Wow. I honestly thought I would be the only one who would cry on that last post. Toser is a pretty special boy and it's nice to know other people think so as well.
Because there is no segue to this, let's just get on with it...
Things I know to be true:
1. You get much more respect as the parent of a medically-challenged kid when you look nice. This is the reason I have always worn make-up to doctors' appointments, no matter how routine. This is the reason I have always taken a few extra seconds to put on small earrings and nicer clothes when I have taken Tater to the ER in the middle of the night. I've had a lot of time to observe and to put this theory to practice and it's silly and it's prejudiced but it's true. Doctors, nurses, receptionists, pharmacists-they all put more effort towards the parents who look "nicer."
2. My boys will often figure something out only after they've yelled, "Mommy!!" first. They don't need/want/require my help but they must yell for me before the answer or solution will come to them.
3. My husband is awesome.
4. I am addicted to Amazon Prime. It's a 2-day shipping program I got for free for signing up for something and now there is no way to imagine a life without free, 2-day shipping. I just have to set a reminder for 2 days before someone's birthday/gift-giving occasion, go to Amazon, pick something out, enter their address and voila! They get a present ON THEIR BIRTHDAY, I didn't use gas or mental energy in going to the store and post office and everyone is shining-happy-people-holding-hands.
5. I often shut down when I am overwhelmed. I don't like to converse on the phone, I avoid emails, I don't want to see anyone. I don't know how to come out of it gracefully so when I feel better and more in control, I just reappear in life and pretend nothing happened. It's very exhausting for my family and friends but I hope they understand it's nothing personal. You do understand it's nothing personal, right?
6. My husband is gullible. I get Mr. A involved in a TV show that comes on at 9pm, we talk about how awesome it is we have "a show" together. 2 weeks later, I can't stay up until 10 any more and I'm going to sleep while he's stuck watching a show he didn't want to watch in the first place but he is now invested in the plot. It happens way more often than it should and I guess I should feel kinda bad about it, but I needs me some beauty sleep, y'all. The only show in recent memory this did not work on was LOST and that's just his loss. Because I LURVED LOST. The current show he's watching without me is Castle although, I think he's more invested in Beckett than he is in the plot.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Excuse the Blatant Bragging
Toser, Toser, Toser. What we gonna do with you? You're 5-going-on-6 in every sense. You have much better control on your emotions and we don't have the swinging from extreme happiness to extreme devastation every day now. (Your brother has taken on that role so we haven't yet had the chance to reflect on that with fondness.) You're a fabulous big brother and the love you have for Tater is amazing. He loves when you read to him and I often find you two snuggled up on the couch reading a phonics reader. You also have taken on your role of little brother tormentor with gusto and can goad him like none other. You're a funny little guy and your smile literally lights up rooms. You have a twisted sense of humor and laugh hard at shows like WipeOut and America's Funniest Videos. In fact, you love WipeOut so much, your teacher had to prod you to write about something else in your journal. You got mad when I laughed a bit too hard at that one so that sensitive streak is still in you. You wrote about the launch of Space Shuttle Discovery the next day.
You are a smart little guy and you often ask me questions I really have a hard time answering. Sometimes you take my suggestion to ask Daddy when he gets home but a lot of times you won't let me off the hook. Google is my friend in looking up what kind of ship recovers the Solid Rocket Boosters after a shuttle launch and your questions about planets. Speaking of, you know that a Googol is a 1 followed by 100 zeros. You are obsessed with the President flash cards I got in the dollar bin and you quiz me: Mommy, who was the 22nd President? (I have no clue)
You have completed all of the components of Kindergarten math and are doing extra math work during nap time at school. You understand math concepts I have a hard time explaining to you. You got both of your grandfathers' genes in that regard and I know I will always be amazed at how you just "know" math instead of having to figure it out like I do. Our school system doesn't have a gifted program for Kindergarteners but you and 4 of your friends attend "Enrichment" classes with the Gifted Program teacher. The first day you brought home one of your enrichment worksheets, Daddy and I sat there with our mouths open because we honestly had a hard time figuring out the logic relationships you were working on. You're a smart cookie but you aren't cocky about it.
I love you, Toser. I love you so much my heart hurts. I have been really worried lately. I worry you're going to fall through the cracks because we get wrapped up in your brother's issues. It's a silly worry, really, because you are so loving and strong. Daddy and I say you're the kid who won't go away for college but stay at home because you want to be close to your brother. You understand, on a level most kids would never get, your brother does need a bit more attention and you do not begrudge him that. You make me and Daddy pay for it sometimes but you would never dream of punishing him for it. Your Kindergarten teacher calls you a blessing. You are. You are one of my greatest blessings.
You are a smart little guy and you often ask me questions I really have a hard time answering. Sometimes you take my suggestion to ask Daddy when he gets home but a lot of times you won't let me off the hook. Google is my friend in looking up what kind of ship recovers the Solid Rocket Boosters after a shuttle launch and your questions about planets. Speaking of, you know that a Googol is a 1 followed by 100 zeros. You are obsessed with the President flash cards I got in the dollar bin and you quiz me: Mommy, who was the 22nd President? (I have no clue)
You have completed all of the components of Kindergarten math and are doing extra math work during nap time at school. You understand math concepts I have a hard time explaining to you. You got both of your grandfathers' genes in that regard and I know I will always be amazed at how you just "know" math instead of having to figure it out like I do. Our school system doesn't have a gifted program for Kindergarteners but you and 4 of your friends attend "Enrichment" classes with the Gifted Program teacher. The first day you brought home one of your enrichment worksheets, Daddy and I sat there with our mouths open because we honestly had a hard time figuring out the logic relationships you were working on. You're a smart cookie but you aren't cocky about it.
I love you, Toser. I love you so much my heart hurts. I have been really worried lately. I worry you're going to fall through the cracks because we get wrapped up in your brother's issues. It's a silly worry, really, because you are so loving and strong. Daddy and I say you're the kid who won't go away for college but stay at home because you want to be close to your brother. You understand, on a level most kids would never get, your brother does need a bit more attention and you do not begrudge him that. You make me and Daddy pay for it sometimes but you would never dream of punishing him for it. Your Kindergarten teacher calls you a blessing. You are. You are one of my greatest blessings.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Negative
So, Teh Heavy(tm):
Nate recently saw a new neurologist. I really liked the doctor; I think he's a smart cookie and he spent a lot of time with Nate before he suggested a new test. We got results from the latest testing on Friday: Nate tested negative for Ullrich Congenital Muscular Dystrophy. Of course I'm relieved and happy but... I didn't want to test for this. I didn't want to go through this roller coaster again. I'm so tired of doctors knowing what's wrong. We go through the what-ifs, the devastation of thinking this could be it, and it's all for naught. No, that's wrong, it's not all for naught. We couldn't deal if we didn't prepare ourselves but having to know Nate's issues could be very serious then finding out that it's not this particular serious is so damn exhausting. It is something. Nate wouldn't have these issues if it weren't SOMETHING. Just because he's doing so well, we can get to a place of not thinking about the SOMETHING. But the SOMETHING is always there and the testing, negative results or no, reiterates that.
Friday, my poor mom is the one who got the news. Our phones were down because a construction crew cut a fiber optic line that serviced both landlines and cell towers in our area so they called the emergency contact: Coco. It was kind of a mess-my mom KNEW and couldn't get a hold of us. She finally got in touch with Mr. A who then came home from work to tell me. He was all jittery and I kept asking him if he was okay. He said he was fine but I was reacting strangely. And I was. I had no emotion. None. I've cried a bit since then- happy tears, frustrated tears. But, as I asked my mom, how am I supposed to process this? If anyone could tell me how to process all of this, I am taking suggestions.
It's not so much denial as it is survival. I cried for the entire week after the neuro appointment. All of my emotion for this was used up then. I have nothing left to deal with this one so I'm moving on. I did tell Mr. A that it sucks the world won't stop spinning so that we can deal. It hasn't stopped so we're spinning along with it.
Mr.A gets nauseous on spin rides and I'm prone to getting colds when I'm stressed (seriously, I've been sick since New Year's and now have lost my voice completely). We would very much like to get off the ride but we can't so we're dealing with yet another new normal. Somehow, we'll do it while loving each other and loving our kids. We'll keep being happy, spinning around the negatives.
Nate recently saw a new neurologist. I really liked the doctor; I think he's a smart cookie and he spent a lot of time with Nate before he suggested a new test. We got results from the latest testing on Friday: Nate tested negative for Ullrich Congenital Muscular Dystrophy. Of course I'm relieved and happy but... I didn't want to test for this. I didn't want to go through this roller coaster again. I'm so tired of doctors knowing what's wrong. We go through the what-ifs, the devastation of thinking this could be it, and it's all for naught. No, that's wrong, it's not all for naught. We couldn't deal if we didn't prepare ourselves but having to know Nate's issues could be very serious then finding out that it's not this particular serious is so damn exhausting. It is something. Nate wouldn't have these issues if it weren't SOMETHING. Just because he's doing so well, we can get to a place of not thinking about the SOMETHING. But the SOMETHING is always there and the testing, negative results or no, reiterates that.
Friday, my poor mom is the one who got the news. Our phones were down because a construction crew cut a fiber optic line that serviced both landlines and cell towers in our area so they called the emergency contact: Coco. It was kind of a mess-my mom KNEW and couldn't get a hold of us. She finally got in touch with Mr. A who then came home from work to tell me. He was all jittery and I kept asking him if he was okay. He said he was fine but I was reacting strangely. And I was. I had no emotion. None. I've cried a bit since then- happy tears, frustrated tears. But, as I asked my mom, how am I supposed to process this? If anyone could tell me how to process all of this, I am taking suggestions.
It's not so much denial as it is survival. I cried for the entire week after the neuro appointment. All of my emotion for this was used up then. I have nothing left to deal with this one so I'm moving on. I did tell Mr. A that it sucks the world won't stop spinning so that we can deal. It hasn't stopped so we're spinning along with it.
Mr.A gets nauseous on spin rides and I'm prone to getting colds when I'm stressed (seriously, I've been sick since New Year's and now have lost my voice completely). We would very much like to get off the ride but we can't so we're dealing with yet another new normal. Somehow, we'll do it while loving each other and loving our kids. We'll keep being happy, spinning around the negatives.
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