I have heard from waaaay too many friends lately who have had really sucky things happen to them. What is up with the world? Can't anyone catch a break? You know I have issues with why people have to suffer and this is all way too much. It's hard to be grateful for your own well-being when you're grieving with so many friends. So today is Bite It, Universe! Day in our house. This is the day to stay in your PJs, watch TV and eat really bad things full of partially hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup. Care to join us?
And the Swine Flu. My God. C'mon.
The thing is, we're all doing pretty well here. Other than allergies literally knocking us off our our feet, we're good. Tater's been hit really hard with allergies this season and the poor guy is miserable. Mr. A and I are having a sick-off (you know, we're both sick but God forbid one be sicker than the other-I won last night because a bad Mexican food experience gave me an edge over just a clogged up head). You know it's bad when Toser has the most pleasant attitude in the house. He's down right cheery compared to the rest of us.
We're escaping next week to see Manny, Brett and the Sweet Girl at the beach. The boys are excited and I'm glad we can get away from all the appointments and things we have every week. Mr. A has to work of course, but he could probably use a break from being Super Dad and the best husband in the world.
Oh, and did I tell you? I'm going to be an aunt, AGAIN! Times 2! JenJen and TyTy are expecting twin girls!!! Please pray JenJen continues to have a good pregnancy. Christmas is going to be so much fun. Babies galore and no one is going to have to fight over them because there will be plenty to go around. I love babies! Especially when I'm not the one sleep deprived.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Acceptance
Monday we were at the pediatrician's for Tater's 2 year well check. I usually dread filling out the developmental screening sheets because, c'mon, he's pretty delayed in most areas and it's just one more reminder.
But I wasn't bothered Monday. I asked Tater if he could put both feet together and jump, he said, "unhuh" and shook his head. We both laughed and I circled no. I asked him if he could put two words together to form a simple sentence, nope. Can he point out body parts, yep. I forget what the 4th one was but that one was no, as well. You're supposed to stop at 3 no's circled so I put the paper down.
We were still laughing and I finally realized that my child cannot be defined by developmental charts and doctors. I always tell myself that but that day was the first time I felt truly at peace about it. Acceptance is so much better than denial. He is who he is because that's who he is supposed to be. No more, no less. He is Tater and he is awesome (and also 2 with no cognitive delays-please send liquor and lots of it).
And with that acceptance comes the realization that I'll probably have to fall down this slope and drag myself up many, many times before I even begin to come close to achieving any real peace with this journey we're on. When I mentioned the doctor's appointment to some of my online trach buddies, they reminded me of this. One veteran to this crazy world said that acceptance is like soap; the harder you grasp it, the easier it can slip out of your hands.
I know, it sounds weird to have online trach buddies but I honestly don't know how I would survive if it weren't for their honest, reassuring guidance. They get "it" in a way no one else can. They know to jump for joy over the smallest things and are there to pick up the pieces on days everything becomes overwhelming. They advise me. They rejoice and cry with me. They accept me.
And this will sound very strange but those people on the trach board know what I mean when I say: I wouldn't have wished the past 2 years on myself, or anyone else for that matter, but I am grateful for every single, horrible, wonderful moment. Accepting this is the best present I can give myself and I hope I don't lose it anytime soon.
But I wasn't bothered Monday. I asked Tater if he could put both feet together and jump, he said, "unhuh" and shook his head. We both laughed and I circled no. I asked him if he could put two words together to form a simple sentence, nope. Can he point out body parts, yep. I forget what the 4th one was but that one was no, as well. You're supposed to stop at 3 no's circled so I put the paper down.
We were still laughing and I finally realized that my child cannot be defined by developmental charts and doctors. I always tell myself that but that day was the first time I felt truly at peace about it. Acceptance is so much better than denial. He is who he is because that's who he is supposed to be. No more, no less. He is Tater and he is awesome (and also 2 with no cognitive delays-please send liquor and lots of it).
And with that acceptance comes the realization that I'll probably have to fall down this slope and drag myself up many, many times before I even begin to come close to achieving any real peace with this journey we're on. When I mentioned the doctor's appointment to some of my online trach buddies, they reminded me of this. One veteran to this crazy world said that acceptance is like soap; the harder you grasp it, the easier it can slip out of your hands.
I know, it sounds weird to have online trach buddies but I honestly don't know how I would survive if it weren't for their honest, reassuring guidance. They get "it" in a way no one else can. They know to jump for joy over the smallest things and are there to pick up the pieces on days everything becomes overwhelming. They advise me. They rejoice and cry with me. They accept me.
And this will sound very strange but those people on the trach board know what I mean when I say: I wouldn't have wished the past 2 years on myself, or anyone else for that matter, but I am grateful for every single, horrible, wonderful moment. Accepting this is the best present I can give myself and I hope I don't lose it anytime soon.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Happy Birthday Toser!!
Today, my baby is 4. Please, God, let 4 be easier than 3.
Toser is SOOOOO EXCITED today is an extension of the whirlwind that has been at our house this last week. He's crazy with giddiness over the TOYS! and the SUGAR! and the birthday crown Mrs. Miller made for him at school! He was overjoyed to be taking miniature Krispy Kreme chocolate-glazed-sprinkle doughnuts to school today and when he got in the van at pick-up he told me, "Mommy, everyone really enjoyed the doughnuts." Um, I thought he was turning 4, not 12. What 4 year-old talks like that? Oh, yeah, that would be the kid who didn't want to blow out the candles on his cake but use a candle snuffer instead.
He loves to read books. He takes after me in that regard and has most of his books memorized. We're not talking just a few books. We have very many books because when one of your mom's best friends works for Scholastic, you get lots and lots of books just because. It's a perfect setup. And woe be unto the person who skips a page, condenses a story or says a word wrong. He knows.
He has the biggest heart and big hearts break often and messily. He will do absolutely ANYTHING for his brother. Toser loves Tater so much and if Tater is in any way upset, Toser will do what he can to calm him down. Tater's getting to where he can be a bit of a little brother pest but Toser usually takes it in stride. Tater will hit Toser for no reason other than for attention and Toser will get a confused look on his face before he screams about it. He just doesn't understand how Tater can do that. I tell him he needs to figure out a way to handle it but it's just not in his nature to hit Tater back.
He's my best bud. Often times it's just the 2 of us running errands after school or working on dinner before Mr. A gets home and I love this time with him. Although he drives me insane with the 20,000 questions, I love how he's so interested in how things work and what the purpose of everything is. He's a smart little boy and pretty quick on the uptake. There is little you can get away with in front of him. He can smell out a cookie at 20 feet and loves, loves, loves sweets so there is no hiding any kind of goody in our house.
In addition to looking just like me, he's got my temperament. The things that drive me the craziest about him are mostly things that I don't like in myself. He's super sensitive and can lose his mind over the simplest things. But he also has some of my good qualities and he gets so happy over the smallest things, like staying in his PJ's all day and snuggling under the covers. I hope I can channel his sensitivity into a good thing and keep him happy with the small things. He's such a good kid despite the typical temper tantrums and craziness.
I love you, Bud. You are the best big brother in the world and you deserve all the good that comes your way. You are such a blessing to me and I'm so very glad you're mine.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wow Wow Wow!
Allow me to introduce you to Wubbzy:
(I can't turn Wubbzy around for some reason... you can see him in his full glory, along with more birthday pics, in the boys' online birthday album)
We had the big blowout on Saturday with family and friends. I was a little stressed about the cake but did bits of it here and there and it ended up not being the big ordeal I thought it would be. I learned about coloring candy and food and how there is a difference and that drawing with icing isn't as daunting as I imagined it to be. And how I should have done it sooner so I could have looked at it longer. It was very hard to cut that thing.
So, the boys. They had some fun. They got waaaaay too many presents (for which we're all very grateful-Mr A. especially loves the Matchbox cars) and Toser consumed waaaay too much sugar. We borrowed a bouncy house from the Bird family and everyone had a blast jumping/laying in it (including TyTy who made the drive over with JenJen just for the party-thanks guys!). It was as birthdays should be.
Toser went between sheer excitement to overload several times and he kept saying, "This is my special day." Whenever we asked Tater if he was having fun, he would shake his head and say, "Yeah, huh." And that kid has discovered the fun of presents. He loved opening them and didn't want his friends touching the paper. It was HIS party and those were HIS presents. Toser kept wanting to play with what he had just opened so we kept having to remind him he had more to open. I loved watching them. They were so happy.
We're looking forward to Toser's birthday tomorrow. Just one more present from us, dinner with Coco and Papa and we're done with the birthday week. Whew. (It's going to be like this every year?! help.)
(I can't turn Wubbzy around for some reason... you can see him in his full glory, along with more birthday pics, in the boys' online birthday album)
We had the big blowout on Saturday with family and friends. I was a little stressed about the cake but did bits of it here and there and it ended up not being the big ordeal I thought it would be. I learned about coloring candy and food and how there is a difference and that drawing with icing isn't as daunting as I imagined it to be. And how I should have done it sooner so I could have looked at it longer. It was very hard to cut that thing.
So, the boys. They had some fun. They got waaaaay too many presents (for which we're all very grateful-Mr A. especially loves the Matchbox cars) and Toser consumed waaaay too much sugar. We borrowed a bouncy house from the Bird family and everyone had a blast jumping/laying in it (including TyTy who made the drive over with JenJen just for the party-thanks guys!). It was as birthdays should be.
Toser went between sheer excitement to overload several times and he kept saying, "This is my special day." Whenever we asked Tater if he was having fun, he would shake his head and say, "Yeah, huh." And that kid has discovered the fun of presents. He loved opening them and didn't want his friends touching the paper. It was HIS party and those were HIS presents. Toser kept wanting to play with what he had just opened so we kept having to remind him he had more to open. I loved watching them. They were so happy.
We're looking forward to Toser's birthday tomorrow. Just one more present from us, dinner with Coco and Papa and we're done with the birthday week. Whew. (It's going to be like this every year?! help.)
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