I have this friend who has a 4 year-old son. "She" really doesn't understand what's wrong with "her" son. The son has a good life, has all of his basic needs met, has most of his wants met, and he still is very unhappy and hates the world. Or so it seems to "my friend."
Okay, so it's me. I just don't understand. What am I doing wrong? It's like a day in a manic depressive's life.
Toser: LIFE IS WONDERFUL, I will stay in my PJs all day!
Me: No, son, today is a school day. You need to get dressed and eat breakfast.
Toser: {literally falling on the floor} I don't want to go to school!! I don't like school! I want to stay home!
If I say, "sure, let's stay home today and stay in our PJs," inevitably around 10:00 I tell him to turn the TV off, he gets bored and starts crying because he wants to go to school. If I force him to go to school, which he loves and does really well in, I feel bad because school isn't mandatory and is very much a luxury for me.
Anything is liable to turn into a meltdown. His gloves don't fit right, his carrots are touching his meat, he wanted to turn the lights off but Tater did. I've tried showing him compassion and understanding, I've tried sending him to his room, I've tried taking away privileges, I've tried ignoring him. It simply doesn't matter. Meltdowns are an inevitable part of our day and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around a 4 year-old. I'm tired of making excuses for him. I'm tired of thinking my standards and expectations are too high. Is it too much to ask of a 4 year-old to not yell at his brother, his mother, his father, his brother's nurse? To pick up his toys? To do something the second or third time I ask/tell him to do it?
The only good thing about this is he only does it at home. His teacher acts surprised when I ask if he has any behavior issues at school and jokes that Toser's behavior at home is Toser's special gift to me. But this special gift is neither needed nor asked for and I want to give it back. I used to think I had good instincts when it came to raising my children and now I'm not so sure.
He can be such a sweet boy. He's by no means spoiled OR deprived. I honestly don't think Tater's health issues have anything to do with it because he's the healthiest he's ever been. What is wrong with my smart little Toser? Why is he having such a hard time? And if he's having a hard time now, what in the world will he be like when he's a teenager?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
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7 comments:
CP...first, know that he IS happy. Second, you are giving him all you can and MORE because that is that kind of person you are. You give him discipline when needed and comfort the same. You are muddling through motherhood just like many of us but you are doing great! The terrible twos should have been called the terrible 2 - 6's.(haven't been to 7 yet :). Especially for our little sensitive ones...who, by the way, will give of their huge hearts and compassion later in life to people that will never forget them. I often wonder why my 3 y/o listens better than my 6y/o. Our older ones are deep and thoughtful inside and out and are also so sensitive about their own feelings (touch, sounds, directions.....bumpy socks). For some reason....they have to be told many times to do something.....BUT, they are a blessing for the ones that followed and are our "just have to muddle through it" children. Maybe because they are firt born, maybe because they take after mom or dad:), or maybe just because they do this now and they will blossom later like we could never imagine. Hang in there! Love you!
Firt born!?!?!?
I agree with the first born comment. And, I have heard that if they are bad when they are younger, they will be a breeze when they are older. At least that's what I am praying for!
I was told by a wise woman, "You either get it now or you get it later". And, by getting it now, you still have some control. When you get it later, they can drive, be much more defiant and do more damage because they are teenagers. So, her vote was for getting it now.
It really seems to me that you are being the best mom that one can be for Toser, especially in the obvious sense that you are putting so much thought and energy towards it. Someone who doesn't constantly evaluate how they are doing as a parent isn't being the best parent that they can be.
May the force be with you. (That really was a wise statement that OB1Kenobi said!)
lynda
..and this to shall pass my friend. Next thing we know we'll be crying to each other that they are leaving for college. Until then, do your best, stay strong, and drink wine. Love you much & sweet toser too.
Christy
You are an AMAZING mom. I ditto what Christy says except I'll be talking about my pets moving on to pet heaven instead of children going to college. :) I have seen what you have done to raise Toser and you should be proud for the kind, gentle, caring yound boy you have raised. Big hugs and we are do for a girls dinner. :) :) :)
You are so funny. And here I've always blamed my firstborn's uptightness (is that a word?) on taking after me. Maybe it's just little boys? Or first borns? Who knows, just like LW said we are all just muddling through this. And trying, trying, trying to keep the sarcasm to a minimum when the young master loses it over not getting to stir his oatmeal before it was microwaved or like your little man suddenly decides he doesn't want to go to school after all making me question myself and feel horrible for the pleading, cajoling, and finally time-out I enforce to get him there. I wish there was a guarantee we could end up with emotionally healthy kids, but all we can do is give it our best and take care of ourselves so that we can withstand the tirades of our offspring without sinking to their levels (at least not in front of them!) And when we don't forgive ourselves and try again tomorrow. You ARE A GREAT MOM!
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