Acceptance

Monday we were at the pediatrician's for Tater's 2 year well check. I usually dread filling out the developmental screening sheets because, c'mon, he's pretty delayed in most areas and it's just one more reminder.

But I wasn't bothered Monday. I asked Tater if he could put both feet together and jump, he said, "unhuh" and shook his head. We both laughed and I circled no. I asked him if he could put two words together to form a simple sentence, nope. Can he point out body parts, yep. I forget what the 4th one was but that one was no, as well. You're supposed to stop at 3 no's circled so I put the paper down.

We were still laughing and I finally realized that my child cannot be defined by developmental charts and doctors. I always tell myself that but that day was the first time I felt truly at peace about it. Acceptance is so much better than denial. He is who he is because that's who he is supposed to be. No more, no less. He is Tater and he is awesome (and also 2 with no cognitive delays-please send liquor and lots of it).

And with that acceptance comes the realization that I'll probably have to fall down this slope and drag myself up many, many times before I even begin to come close to achieving any real peace with this journey we're on. When I mentioned the doctor's appointment to some of my online trach buddies, they reminded me of this. One veteran to this crazy world said that acceptance is like soap; the harder you grasp it, the easier it can slip out of your hands.

I know, it sounds weird to have online trach buddies but I honestly don't know how I would survive if it weren't for their honest, reassuring guidance. They get "it" in a way no one else can. They know to jump for joy over the smallest things and are there to pick up the pieces on days everything becomes overwhelming. They advise me. They rejoice and cry with me. They accept me.

And this will sound very strange but those people on the trach board know what I mean when I say: I wouldn't have wished the past 2 years on myself, or anyone else for that matter, but I am grateful for every single, horrible, wonderful moment. Accepting this is the best present I can give myself and I hope I don't lose it anytime soon.