Negative

So, Teh Heavy(tm):

Nate recently saw a new neurologist.  I really liked the doctor; I think he's a smart cookie and he spent a lot of time with Nate before he suggested a new test.  We got results from the latest testing on Friday:  Nate tested negative for Ullrich Congenital Muscular Dystrophy.  Of course I'm relieved and happy but...  I didn't want to test for this.  I didn't want to go through this roller coaster again.  I'm so tired of doctors knowing what's wrong.  We go through the what-ifs, the devastation of thinking this could be it, and it's all for naught.  No, that's wrong, it's not all for naught.  We couldn't deal if we didn't prepare ourselves but having to know Nate's issues could be very serious then finding out that it's not this particular serious is so damn exhausting.  It is something.  Nate wouldn't have these issues if it weren't SOMETHING.  Just because he's doing so well, we can get to a place of not thinking about the SOMETHING.  But the SOMETHING is always there and the testing, negative results or no, reiterates that.

Friday, my poor mom is the one who got the news.  Our phones were down because a construction crew cut a fiber optic line that serviced both landlines and cell towers in our area so they called the emergency contact: Coco.  It was kind of a mess-my mom KNEW and couldn't get a hold of us.  She finally got in touch with Mr. A who then came home from work to tell me.  He was all jittery and I kept asking him if he was okay.  He said he was fine but I was reacting strangely.  And I was.  I had no emotion.  None.  I've cried a bit since then- happy tears, frustrated tears.  But, as I asked my mom, how am I supposed to  process this?  If anyone could tell me how to process all of this, I am taking suggestions.

It's not so much denial as it is survival.  I cried for the entire week after the neuro appointment.  All of my emotion for this was used up then.  I have nothing left to deal with this one so I'm moving on.  I did tell Mr. A that it sucks the world won't stop spinning so that we can deal.  It hasn't stopped so we're spinning along with it.

Mr.A gets nauseous on spin rides and I'm prone to getting colds when I'm stressed (seriously, I've been sick since New Year's and now have lost my voice completely).  We would very much like to get off the ride but we can't so we're dealing with yet another new normal.  Somehow, we'll do it while loving each other and loving our kids.  We'll keep being happy, spinning around the negatives.